The Least Stinky Fish: The Top 5 Ways to Be a Great Guest

Benjamin Franklin, founding father, scientist, author, diplomat, and turkey advocate, once said, “Fish and visitors stink after three days.” As usual, he gets it exactly right with this pithy pull quote. Whether you’re visiting friends or family, after three days of living in close quarters, sharing every meal, waiting impatiently for the bathroom, staying up later than usual, and all while trying to maintain your friendship, it’s very easy for the visit to feel less like a welcome break and more of a drag on both of you.

I’m stretching this principle to its breaking point this weekend, as I’m staying three full days and four nights with my friend Mike in Boston. So how can I make sure that when I get on the airplane to head back home, both of us will be planning our next get together and not crossing each other’s names out of our address books? I’m sure you will not be surprised to find that I have a list, dearest fellow travelers, and I’m sharing it with you!

The Least Stinky Fish: The Top 5 Ways to Be a Great Guest

1. Set expectations ahead of time. This hearkens back to my advice on hosting couch surfers; if you both know what you’re getting into, you’ll both have a lot more fun. Don’t think that just because you’re family or friends with your hosts, you don’t need to set expectations — sometimes they’re the ones you most need to have these conversations with, to make sure you’re all on the same page and feelings don’t get hurt. For example, I wrote Mike last week to say how excited I was to visit, and to warn him that my knee and ankle injuries have resurfaced, with two unfortunate results: 1) I am now the least fashionable person ever, as I dress in bright white walking shoes no matter my outfit, and 2) I walk slower than a sloth on a lazy summer day. Mike was sorry to hear about my injury, of course, and no doubt he will regret being seen with me and the Great White Sneakers, but he was happy to know this vital piece of information enough ahead of time to reconsider how we should get to the various places we’re going.

2. No matter how short the trip, set aside some down time. Don’t wait until you’re halfway through your second marathon day of museums, hikes, street food, wacky local mode of transportation, tourist attractions, and shopping to realize you need to sitdownrighthisinstantoryouwillpassout — plan for it. Sure, your schedule will be different than when you’re at home, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t need time to rest when you’re away, same as you do at home. (Younger folks than I, I promise this is not an old person talking, just someone who knows what traveling while exhausted feels like — not good.) You don’t always have to crash back at the house, either; find a nice park and take a nap or stake out a corner of a local café to re-energize.

3. Pick up the tab. Not on everything, mind you, but it’s a great reciprocal gesture to pick up the tab somewhere along the way. Don’t bankrupt yourself, but do what you can, whether that’s a whole meal, or a round of drinks, or even an ice cream cone. Of course your loved one is happy to see you, but they are putting aside their normal life and opening up their home in order to do that, so show them your appreciation by paying for some food or drink during your visit.

4. Research where you’re going, even just a little. Trips based on visiting friends or family are inherently different from trips based on visiting new places; your purpose is different, so the way you prepare and the way you spend your time while there is different. I’m not going to be doing a Great Sites of Boston tour this weekend — I’ll be doing a Hang Out in Parks and Have Drinks tour with Mike. But that doesn’t mean I can’t see some of this city. So I’m checking out a guidebook from the library, I’ve poked around on some websites, and I’ve asked Mike what he might want to sightsee. So far we are going to the Mapparium and taking a swan boat ride.

5. Plan for some solo time. This is sort of similar to #2, but it’s specifically designed to separate you from your host for at least a couple hours. One of the stinkiest things about visitors, I suspect Mr. Franklin would agree, is their tendency to stick to your side for the duration of their visit. Nothing smells good when it’s been that close to you for that long. You’ll both enjoy your visit a lot more if you set aside some time to do your own thing — write some postcards, buy some souvenirs, go to that one tourist attraction your host can’t bear to visit one more time. This gives your host time to tend to their daily lives and needs as well, and the end result is that you appreciate each other all the more when you are hanging out.

So voila! Those are the top five ways to plan a trip to a friend’s or family member’s house so that not only do you have a great time, but your host does too — and best of all, you get invited back.

The Good, The Bad, and The Silly

The Good:

That’s right, Alaska, you use conservatives’ logic (and word choice) against them in the abortion debate! (Too bad it didn’t work and the damn parental notification law got passed anyway, but still. This is a thought for future fights.)

“Step Up. Step Back.” — the way for men to be feminist allies. (And also whites to be anti-racist allies, straights to be LGBT allies, etc.) (Via.)

The Bad:

Farmworkers are denied basic human rights, such as one day off a week, in New York and California. (Via.)

Bloomberg’s staff deliberately misconstrues the Seneca Indian Nation’s protest of his offensive shoot-em-up comments; whether the cigarettes should be taxed or not is not the issue when a high-profile government official states that another US government official should “get a shotgun” and say “the law of the land is this, and we’re going to enforce the law” to a tribe of people who have been at the wrong end of a shotgun courtesy of the US government too many times to count over hundreds of years. (Via.)

The Silly:

Possibly you’ve already seen this, but somebody decided to make a trailer for a fake movie — and I want to see the full-length. Jane Austen’s Fight Club! (Thanks to Sessily for the link.)

What have you seen/heard/read this week?

UPDATE: I just read this excellent piece by Timothy Egan, which breaks apart who is spreading what lies about Obama and why it matters. Wake the hell up, America; you’re better than this.

Total Recall: Totally Badass Heroine

This weekend I watched Total Recall for the first time, and while it’s not my most favorite action movie, it features what I’m going to call The Headly Surprise. Remember that review of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels I wrote a while back? (If not, go read and enjoy.) The happy surprise in that movie was that a pretty woman (Glenne Headly) deceived the male leads and was not punished for it, but rather was celebrated. It’s so rare to see that happen in mainstream culture, including Hollywood movies. So rare, in fact, that I think we should point it out when it happens and jump up and down a little with excitement.

And so I bring you a sporadic feature, The Headly Surprise. Whenever I see a movie that features a woman not punished by the film for something women usually get punished for, I’ll mention it here. This doesn’t necessarily mean a physical punishment, but can include the way the woman is talked about or the way the movie frames her. A Headly Surprise movie may include: a woman is smart but isn’t labeled uppity, a bitch, or cold-hearted; a woman is not white but survives the end of the film (if it’s an action film) or isn’t the sassy best friend (if it’s a comedy with a white protagonist); a woman is pretty but there are no nude shots or lingering shots of her body; a woman is fat but her desire for sex isn’t laughed at; a woman has no desire to have sex with men and isn’t derisively called a lesbian or a bitch; a woman saves her own damn self from the villain; etc. The Headly Surprise is usually a movie showing love for, instead of fear of, a badass woman.

Glenne Headley

Glenne Headly, Hollywood badass (image via reelmovienews.com)

Which brings us to today’s entry in the canon of The Headly Surprise: Rachel Ticotin as Melina in Total Recall. The basic plot of the movie (which is loosely based on a Philip K. Dick story I haven’t read called “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”) is thus: After a bad trip to the implanted-memory doctor, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Quaid) realizes that he is not the married construction worker he thinks he is, but instead is some type of government agent whose memory was erased because he knew too much. He travels to Mars, where he first learned the dangerous information that he can now no longer remember, and sorts out the twists and turns of who he is and who he’s fighting as he meets up with a former flame (Ticotin) and journeys into the underground world of a planet so corrupt that its rulers sell air.

Rachel Ticotin

Rachel Ticotin, inaugural Headly Surprise honoree (image via wearysloth.com)

It is not necessary to tell you how it ends to tell you that Melina is awesome. First, Quaid starts out “married” to Lori (Sharon Stone), who is, as we all know, a gorgeous blond, but even brain surgery can’t make him forget the woman he truly loves — Melina, who is a gorgeous woman of color. Unexpected Hollywood Moment #1, right there. #2 arrives when we are introduced to Melina in the shitty bar/brothel she works at. We see right away that Melina is a prostitute, but we don’t get lingering shots of her body or even revealing clothing. We also don’t see any condemnation that she works as a prostitute; that’s just her job and there’s nothing titillating or sad or morally wrong with it, according to the film. Love it.

But my favorite Unexpected Hollywood Moment is #3, when Quaid is dragged to an elevator by Lori and some thugs to be delivered to the big boss for even more of an ass-kicking. The elevator door opens and BAM! It’s Melina, and she came prepared. She mows down all the thugs without missing a beat, then gets into a mighty brawl with Lori. Unexpected Hollywood Moment #4 — this ain’t no catfight. There is no hair pulling, nail scratching, or (always a favorite) accidental-ripping-of-clothing-in-curvaceous-places. These women are fighting to the death, and it shows; there’s punching, kicking, and general ass-kicking by both.

Not only does Melina save Quaid’s life at the elevator, [MILD SPOILER] she also saves his life at the very end of the film, when he’s face to face with the bad guy. This time Quaid is about to be killed, and Melina shows up armed and ready, and BAM! takes out the bad guy. Love it! Now teeeechnically Quaid still saves the day just after that, by pushing an all-important button, so technically the man still saves the world, but it is still a big deal for the woman to save the man from the villain instead of the other way around.

The best part is that it’s an ambiguous ending — did this movie really happen or is it another false memory or fantasy of Quaid’s? — because if it is Quaid’s fantasy, then it is his fantasy that a kickass woman kicks ass and saves his! Fantastic.

I don’t know how many of these elements of the film were drawn from the Dick story, how many were the ideas of the three writers credited with the screenplay, and how many were director Paul Verhoeven’s, but kudos to Verhoeven for producing a Hollywood blockbuster with a Headly Surprise.

Do you have any Headly Surprise suggestions?

The Good, The Bad, and The Silly

The Good:

Read this fantastic New Yorker article on Park51. I have yet to hear any arguments against the building of this community center that don’t come down to racism, unwarranted fear, and/or Republican politicking.  Also, c’mon ADL, you’re better than that.

A lot of this piece from Ta-Nehisi Coates resonated with me (but don’t worry, darlings, I’ve only just started, I’m not leaving you yet).

A great look at what global feminism can mean.

The FDA approves ella, the 5-day emergency contraceptive. Now, I agree that EC is only partially effective, because you may be using protection that fails (e.g., a broken condom) and not know about it in time to take the EC. But for those who do know their original protection failed, or for those who weren’t using protection, or for those who were assaulted and had no chance to use protection, this is a crucial drug.

The Bad:

Well, crap. It’s all about the money, still.

A thoughtful, interesting look at racism in the anti-whaling debate in New Zealand and Australia

We’re sexualizing girls at younger and younger ages, yes, but their bodies are also maturing faster than ever before — and that is a problem we can, and should, do something about.

CSI is not ironclad — lab scientists in criminal trials all too often get it wrong, and real people are affected.

Why are people so willfully stupid? (And of course, if he were, so what?)

The Silly:

My dad sent me this link with the message, “Looks like you’ll be fine on your world trip….” Well… true! Thanks, Dad.

A cool gallery of color photos from 1939 to 1943 looking at rural and small town America — check out Chicago’s skyline and the newspaper headlines pasted to the window. A gripe about the presentation: in the captions, the only time race is mentioned is when African-Americans are depicted. Whites are once again the default. (Via my friend Mike.)

What have you been looking at this week?

ACAM: Indonesia

I’ve been reading The Indonesia Reader: History, Culture, Politics; ed. Tineke Hellwig and Eric Tagliacozzo, and so far what’s really standing out is neither deep nor original, but here it is: Indonesia is a collection of islands that has been inhabited for thousands of years. And in those thousands of years, never once has Christianity been the dominant religion. Hinduism, Buddhism, and for the last several centuries, Islam, yes, but not Christianity. This is true of most of the world, of course, but that’s easy to forget here in the United States. Here, in a country founded by Christians (not the land, which was inhabited by tens of thousands of people who were doing fine without Christianity, but the country the United States), we think of a mostly Christian nation as the norm.

There’s a giant, stupid political fight going on right now because some non-Christians want to build a community center and some Christians are really upset about it. While it’s natural to center your own experiences at the expense of taking others’ experiences and needs into account, it doesn’t make for good policy. There’s a whole lot more about this fight that I’m not going to get into, but I wanted to bring it up to point out just how ridiculously narrow this point of view is. There’s so much more to the world than those people are willing to admit, or if they do, it’s only because it scares them.

Indonesia is especially interesting to me in this respect, because so much of the spread of religion there was peaceful. Considering the violence religious groups perpetrate against one another, and the force with which many people are made to convert to various religions, this is rather remarkable. Hinduism and Buddhism arrived with Indian traders early on, and Islam spread mostly through Arab traders visiting the spice islands of Java, Sumatra, etc. Sadly, in the twentieth century, religion played a major role in some terrible, deadly conflicts in the country, and tensions remain high.

Okay, I realize both posts this week seem a bit preachy, but sometimes that’s how it goes. Stay tuned tomorrow for The Good, The Bad, and The Silly, which always includes a bit of preaching but then a good dose of fun or bizarre as well — that spoonful of sugar always helps.

Goodbye, “Wild Beasts and Dangerous Lunatics.” Hello, “Stowaway.”

Dearest fellow travelers! It’s time for a change in these here parts. Nothing too upsetting, I hope. But it’s time for a bit of rebranding, both political and aesthetic — a new name.

Political

I chose the name for this blog on a whim, picking a phrase uttered by a funny character in a beloved book (Talking to Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede). I was certain no one else would choose “Wild Beasts and Dangerous Lunatics” as a moniker, and more importantly, it met my strict requirement of not being sentimental or cutesy. It’s served its purpose quite well for the past several months.

But then I read this post on Feministe about how damaging it is to casually use “crazy” or “insane” or the like, and I decided it was no longer a good name. (Go ahead, read it, it’s real short and real good.)

Actually, I read that article once, said, “good grief, stop being so sensitive,” and carried on with my life. I figured, what’s wrong with saying those words? Everyone says it and no one means anything by it. You say “he’s insane” when the cute bartender doesn’t want to date your friend; you don’t mean that he is literally chemically unbalanced. It’s just an expression. If you start policing all your expressions, soon enough you’ll have none left. You can’t censor yourself into a box just because someone, somewhere — not even the person you’re talking to! — might be offended by it. This is a free country, for crying out loud.

Wait. Hold up. JUMP BACK. That sounds like… dear lord, I was sounding like people who tell me to shut up already about using “fag” or “slut” or any number of epithets. When you’re making that many excuses to simply not use a word that others find horribly upsetting, it’s time to take a closer look. What was going on here?

When I talk with people about calling some inanimate object “gay,” or making cracks about women being gossips/shoehounds/overly emotional, etc., I talk about the long-lasting harm done. You’ve probably noticed that gay people can’t get married in this country, and women get paid less than men for doing the same work, to use two examples out of a lot of possible examples. That’s not unrelated to the way we talk about gay people and women; it’s actually intrinsically linked. All of these little comments are part of a larger understanding that gays and women are less than. Of course we protest that we don’t believe that, we believe in equality; and of course we do, consciously. But subconsciously we see it as a known fact that gay men are effeminate, and that’s laughable, because who wants to less like a man and more like a woman? Gay men are lacking, our collective subconscious says, so our collective subconscious finds ways to treat them as less than. (We’re not talking about bigots and outright hostility here, because that’s a whole other thing.)

So even though you’re not talking to a gay person when you call your friend a fag, you’re making it okay to say that, to use people’s identity as an insult. This contributes to a culture that sees that particular identity as an insult and treats it as such, with legal, psychic, and all too often, physical punishment. (While we’re at it, using someone’s identity as an insult is the lazy way out, and it’s much more satisfying to pick on someone’s Backstreet Boys fandom or tendency to put their foot in their mouth anyway.)

What that is all leading to is this: I don’t understand how it feels to have a mental disorder and hear people casually talk about “lunatics,” but I bet it feels shitty. What’s more, someone’s written a piece telling me just how shitty it feels. In general, I don’t want to make people shitty, so I’m going to stop doing that. It might just be a quote from a YA book, but it says specifically “dangerous lunatics.” There’s plenty of cultural understanding of mentally disordered people as dangerous, unstable, volatile, literally “out of their minds,” rather than as human beings dealing with one more layer of living than non-disordered people live with. Stereotypes of “dangerous lunatics” just make it easier to stigmatize people, dehumanize them, shut them away in institutions and forget about them. I didn’t mean anything by it, but that doesn’t matter. Once you know the damage, fix it. For any readers I’ve upset with the title of my blog, I apologize.

I’ve basically tried to make the same points here that Cara’s Feministe post made, although hers is more succinct and coherent, so I strongly recommend you read it. She says at the end that you can continue using phrases you know others find harmful, but be aware that you’re choosing to cause others harm. If that’s a choice you can live with, carry on, but if it’s not, cut it out. Also, each and every one of the links in her post is worth reading, especially this and this.

Aesthetic

Once I knew I had to change the name, I had some trouble coming up with a non-“journey,” non-“life traveler” type name. But inspiration was right under my nose — the quote on the blog’s masthead, from the poet Roselle Mercier Montgomery. “Never a ship sails out of bay but carries my heart as a stowaway.”

Stowaway. It’s about travel, but with a sense of real adventure to it. Sneaking away from the life plan of career, domesticity, etc. Smuggling rough-edged politics into the stately ships of traditional travelogues. Finding the unknown corners of the usual modes of travel, approaching it from another angle. A stowaway is so eager to go someplace that they do whatever they can to get there. A stowaway doesn’t just yearn, she acts. I take that as inspiration and mission statement both.

So now I have a name much more in keeping with what I do here and what I hope to do all around the world. Join me!

The Good, The Bad, and The Silly

The Good:

The Feds turn up the heat on Sheriff Joe Arpaio. As article author Seth Freed Wessler points out, Arpaio has been exercising much of the power of terror and deportation based on a federal rule, so it’s a bit hypocritical of the government to just now push the issue. But at least they are actively going after the man who prides himself on making life hell for thousands of people on a daily basis.

Judge Walker’s decision on Prop 8 might not even be allowed to be appealed, since Schwarzenegger and other California government officials aren’t interested in appealing. It’s possible that this case won’t go to the US Supreme Court, which is maybe bad news in that a nationwide decision wouldn’t be made, but maybe good news in that the conservative slant of the court might make a terrible nationwide decision. If appeals aren’t allowed, then gay marriage is legal in California and those who don’t like it don’t have much recourse.

The Bad:

Obama and his Press Secretary think those of us who have high expectations for the administration are whiners and should STFU already. Look, I know a lot of good things have happened in the last year and a half and that is genuinely exciting, but I also know a lot of things haven’t been done or even attempted (Obama could stay DADT with an executive order while waiting for Congress and the DOD to dick around on long-term policy, for example). I know that some Bush-era legacies remain or are even being strengthened (like the extension of powers of the executive branch, which Obama as candidate promised to overturn, or selling off my right to my body in order to pass health insurance reform). Sure, you have to play politics in Washington, but that doesn’t mean you have to play games with people’s rights. What’s the phrase? Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.

This is what happens when you make it a matter of national policy to consider immigrants an expendable nuisance rather than human beings: people use that as a cover to treat people as expendable on their own time.

The Silly:

Britain prepares for the Olympics with some real gems of advice on intercultural understanding. My favorites: “Do not be alarmed if South Africans announce that they were held up by robots.” and “When meeting Mexicans it is best not to discuss poverty, illegal aliens, earthquakes or their 1845-6 war with America.” (Via.)

Gay Sex and the City. ‘Nuff said. (Via.) (Okay actually not enough said, please note that this is an explicitly political project and I don’t mean to take away from that by placing it in The Silly; it’s a fun project, though, so here it goes.)

Leave your own links in the comments!

In Which We Join the Hallowed Halls and Hated Ranks of Published Critics

Just a short self-promotion post today: I have a theater review up at Centerstage! Centerstage is one of those nifty social life guides, and they’re good at covering a lot of theater in this, the second most popular theater city in the country. It’s a pleasure to be joining their ranks. Here’s a snippet:

Perhaps it’s an unfair criticism of a play titled “The Armageddon Dance Party,” but there is too much death and not enough dancing here.

That’s not to director Jack Dugan Carpenter’s discredit; he fills the tiny stage at Gorilla Tango Theatre with plenty of movement, without ever letting it feel too frenetic. But David L. Williams’ script shoehorns entirely too many speeches into what started out as an interesting meditation on how we negotiate our relationships and beliefs in the face of certain doom and ended as a platform for the playwright’s pet peeves.

Read more here.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow for The Good, The Bad, and The Silly, and bring any links you fancy as well.

The Good, The Bad, and The Silly

The Good:

Prop 8 was overturned! The California law defining marriage as between a man and a woman only was ruled unconstitutional on August 4. Appeals are expected, and this may go all the way to the Supreme Court, which could be iffy, given its current make-up, but for now, hurrah! Here’s a good refresher on what Prop 8 is and why it matters for the nation, not just California.

On the other hand, it might not be so bad if the appeal goes to the Supreme Court, since Elena Kagan was just confirmed by Congress. She will take Justice Stevens’ place this fall. She’s a bit of an unknown quantity, and a career lawyer who played it safe on a lot of issues she could’ve taken some important stands on, but fingers crossed she follows history and leans more left the longer she sits on the bench.

Obama signed a law repealing a mandatory sentencing period for crack cocaine possession. This helps a lot in closing the gap between crack and powder cocaine, a gap that has seen far more blacks than whites go to prison.

The Bad:

Target, known as an LGBT friendly place to work, is under a lot of scrutiny for giving a lot of money to a vehemently anti-gay candidate in Minnesota.

Here’s an insightful article on the dangerous fundamentalism of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a liberal favorite for her survivor’s tale and anti-Islam stance.

Renee Martin looks at the viral video of Antoine Dodson and asks why no one cares about the sister he saved, Kelly Dodson, and why people are laughing at his delivery rather than listening to what he has to say.

The Silly:

Ever read an article on ebooks? Then this is the drinking game for you! Warning: extreme accuracy and hilarity follow.

And that’s it for this week! I’m off to sit by a lake with my parents, so if you haven’t commented before, your comment might languish in moderation til I can get to it on Tuesday, but don’t let that stop you. Have a great weekend!