Halloween is nearly upon us! One of the few holidays not centered around family activities or large meals, it’s a time for sugar highs and slipping into a different persona. My mom always made great costumes for the twins and me. As we got older, we had individualized ones, but there are some adorable pictures of us when we were small, as Little Bo Peep and her two lost sheep, and The Cat in the Hat and Thing 1 and Thing 2. (So, so good.) You could say I had high standards of costumes to live up to as I grew up and traded in my trick-or-treating bag for a bottle of beer. I’ve decided on a costume for this year, but I still have lots of leftover ideas that should be put to good use. I know a lot of people find thinking of costumes a stressful activity, so let me ease your burden and suggest you take one of these and make it Your Awesome Halloween Costume 2011 (note that Sexy Fill-in-the-Blanks are not included, and gender bending is always encouraged):

The Costume: David Wooderson, aka Matthew McConaughey’s creeper character in Dazed and Confused

pre-shirtless bongo playing days

What to Wear: bell bottoms, especially if you can get salmon-colored ones; a concert t-shirt (the one in the movie is apparently a Ted Nugent album cover); a Southern gentleman’s blonde moustache; a can of beer

What to Do: Walk around with a can of beer in hand and a lazy, stoned smile on your face all night. Say things like, “That’s what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age” and “You gotta joint? It’d be a lot cooler if you did.” Leer at redheads. Tell everyone to meet at the moon tower for the real party.

Major Caveat: This costume is only open to people who could never be mistaken for creepers in real life. It’s only funny if it’s a huge exaggeration. If you’re a dude, here’s a test: Mention to a female friend that you plan to be this for Halloween. If she hesitates or her eyes shift away, you may be a creeper in real life and should steer clear of this costume. Also, look at your choices, look at your life.

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The Costume: Freddie Mercury, in honor of the 20-year anniversary of his death

rock god

What to Wear: tight white bootcut pants; a white men’s undershirt; a healthy black moustache; a false set of disturbingly straight and large teeth; Adidas shoes; and if you’re feeling flush with cash and luck in finding it, a bizarre yellow jacket with lots of buckles

What to Do: Strut around as if on stage all night, including athletic jumps and dives. Sing dramatic songs in full range, including an alarming falsetto. Search for a David Bowie to sing “Under Pressure” with you.

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The Costume: Leslie Knope, aka Amy Poehler’s amazing character on Parks and Recreation

next stop, the White House

What to Wear: a gray business suit with red dress shirt; impossibly blonde hair; low pumps; a giant planner filled to the brim with notes for meetings; a copy of A History of Pawnee, Indiana, which you wrote from memory

What to Do: Be super friendly and cheerful, and yet stumble your way into the most awkward situation possible within 2 minutes of meeting somebody. Cover it up by being more awkward and solemnly promising to hold a town meeting to find a solution. Warn people off the snake juice. Recite facts about great women in American politics and hand out “Knope 2012” buttons. Be entirely awesome.

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Other ideas:

Couple costume: One of you dresses in jeans and a ratty t-shirt, possibly with tambourine or other noisemaker in hand, and carries an “Occupy Wall Street” sign. The other dresses in waist-high khakis and a sweatshirt with a golf logo, possibly wearing a crucifix or a trucker hat, and carries a “Tea Party” sign. You introduce yourselves as the new political parties of America.

Wear a nondescript outfit and pin a large piece of paper to your shirt with the name “shnazzy83” or “jasonINfectionnn.” Run around screaming “firsties!” and “Shut the f up! You’re so stupid I can’t believe you graduated kindergarten!” and the like. You’re a commenter on the internet. (A few years late to be super trendy, sure, but unfortunately there are far too many commenters like this for it to be a fad–present company excluded, of course.)

Photo 1 from here. Photo 2 from here. Photo 3 from here.